I hate this feeling/Depression post

Summer has never been a good time for me. I’m so used to just having to fuck off for three months and stay home, sweat the rent. Now that I have a grownup job, I am earning year round and (importantly) solvent year round. But I still have this problem. I can’t be the only one. You, who’s reading this, perhaps you have this problem, too.

I crave free time, I want to use it to make things, to learn things, to create. But do I use it when I got it? No, I have been couching myself again. Granted, I have an amazing couch, but I am over-rested and over-lounged. I am hiding in laziness, not enjoying leisure. This is not healthy.

I am out of touch with my art. I am out of touch with my witch. I have been trying to do what I can but I am hiding. Why? This is the fullest time of year, but the heat and the sun makes me depressed. What do I need these old patterns for?

My witch needs the cold. I need the night. Big fan of the day, big fan of the full green field and trees. I love the lighter part of the wheel. But I need the ocean, the mist, the night, the winter wind. I need the power of the storm and the howling night snow.

But I can’t rush the seasons. I don’t want to. What I want to do is just survive my brain chemistry.

I’m doing what I can – sneaking sigils into my office, dressing my makeup bag with waters and oils. I knit some rows here and there. I spin a few yards. I flit from thing to thing. Not having a project to commit to, I am reluctant to pick up tools. I don’t pick up books. I have spent the weekend mostly scrolling through the same three websites.

When it gets this way, I have mundane things I do, too:

-set timers on my phone so naps don’t last too long

-use a to do list app on my phone and make sure it’s on my home screen

-keep track of what i did do with something like Trello. Trello is responsible for a good 20% of my mental health.

-schedule things that will take me out of the house on weeknights, when I most want to hide (meetup.com for that one)

These tend not to solve my weekend problem, but I’m doing better than I used to. I’m trying not to ruminate. I’m trying not to despair.

Music helps, honestly. Throughout the week I am on a TOTAL 80s kick. Erasure, The Smiths, even Toto. But I try to keep something weird in there. Kate Bush is helpful, to be honest – beautiful, wild, and weird.

Pinterest should also go on the tip list, which is what this post has turned into. I keep multiple boards for art, textiles, etc. I have one just for the pastel and mauve 80s aesthetic which I am apparently obsessed with. If I can’t bring myself to do art, to write anything, to be creative, if I’m hiding in my phone at least I can dive into images. The Palette app will create color palettes from photos so if I’m really far gone, I can just play with colors.

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